It has been raining alot the past couple of days. I love the rain. I love the smell especially. In the early morning...before 6:00 in the morning I sit waiting for my ride to come outside and I listen to the falling rain and empty my mind and just sit in the Presence of God. There is something really peaceful sitting there like that in the dark just before sunrise. I need that special quiet time each morning...it cleanses my soul like nothing else can. God knows I need that cleansing time.

Today is yet another day of nothing too special happening. I guess I will work on learning on how to carve wood. This has been a bit of a challenge, but a fun one. I hope my family members don't mind that their gifts are so obviously a beginners attempts. Neena from work brought me some wood from her father for me to practice on so I don't have to worry about punching through the depth of the wood like I have too on the projects for the family. I might try an alligator for Wild Man my brother. I don't excell at anything, I just barely do passible work but it keeps me sober and busy. Maybe someday I will find something I excell at. Oh well, God must like average since He made so many of us.

I finally broke down and got cellphones again for Tiger and I. Never had much luck with those contraptions, but we have had need of them lately so here we go again. I have not told Tiger that I got one for myself yet, she only knows about the one I got for her. But the more I thought about it I realized that one was not going to be enough. There are plenty of times we are apart that she has needed to contact me and could not. She may get upset but she will get over it.

Hippy and I have been having alot of fun with all this newfangled technology stuff. Facebook and bloging. We have communicated alot more this way than we have in a long time. Don't know if it is a good thing or not, technology, but it is nice to banter with her this way. Enough of babbling on this blog now. Just felt like a short chat. Time to check facebook.

Death Valley Revisited

I went to Death Valley California a few years ago and was moved by the silence and majesty of the place. Death Valley for me was a place of self revelations as well as self introspection. I did a lot of thinking while I was there that has gone on for many years. I wish I could go back and visit agian. Its very life and barrenness screams for one to pay attention not only to it but to oneself. It is like a microcosm of the soul. There is the Devils' golf course, kind of like that place in the heart where the devil likes to play. The Artist's Palate where the angels make hay with grace. I mean, Death Valley really Made me look at my soul and see alot of things.

I think every person should take a walk out into Death Valley all alone without another person near them. They should spend a day in perfect silence walking in Mosaic canyon. Finding life where it seems imposssible for life to be. There God reaches out and starts talking to the soul in a real way that is not possible anywhere else on the earth. I mean for real. The desert is a very special place. It is stripped of distractions. All that is left is the barest of bare essentials. So bare that the place seems to be down right dangerous. But there one can find answers that are unanswerable anywhere else.

Why did Death Valley impress me so much.... why is God where the Devil's name is invoced (sp) so frequently? I recall a reading from Scripture where Jesus is driving the devil from a man and he looks sadly at the man. But he isn't looking at the man, he is looking at the devil within. He is looking sadly at the devil within like a parent at a child who is misled. Jesus is there, the devil is there, the valley of death is there. Jesus won't let the man's soul be lost and He is sad to see the devil is already lost. But the valley of death isn't one of hopelessness because Jesus is there....feeling for the man and for his lost angel. One won't be lost and the other chose to be lost. Death Valley is the place for choices, choose life or death. find life or death. Both are there. Jesus is there waiting for our choices...in the silence, in the dangers, in the stark beauty. He is there waiting.

A Day in the Life of

Went to bed at 4:oo am this morning after a forensic file marathon. Slept for awhile and got up for a rip roaring good time...playing with the cats. The picture is of Gentry. He was hamming it up for the camera. I was very proud of him.

Did not do anything profound, profundity went away with another life of mine. Wish I could say I've something important but I don't. I guess that is one thing that bums me out on days like this. I just get frustrated not having a particular purpose to my life. I hate it when people ask me what's up or what's new or what's going on. The answer is always 'nothing.' Oh I guess I could go volunteer somewhere, but it pales so drastically with what I want. Oh well, I do find myself interested in volunteering with the AA stuff. I have that to look forward to anyway.

Then there is the fact that this evening we spend with Mom and watch movies and then go to Mass the next morning. It is a pleasure to go over to Mom's, she is such a fiesty person. Then there is Tiger who likes to get Mom riled up. I just hope Tiger doesn't bug Mom too much tonight...I'm really not in the mood. The whole point of spending the night with mOm is that we get time to enjoy her while she is still alive. Come the time she passes on, I will have no reason for regrets. I look at my co-worker, DitzyLady, and see the regrets she has with her mother. She frequently wishes she had done things differently. I hope I won't have those kinds of regrets. I mean I know I have made mistakes in my life that I regret; but as for being there for her last years (even if it is for 20 years) I won't have made that mistake. I will have spent good times with Mom doing simple things that we enjoy, making her happy. that has to count for something in the great cosmic world. And maybe that is my purpose in life. Perhaps my job is to "be there" for family members and friends...which is everyone's purpose in life. Which makes me not so special which leads me to another topic which I should save for another day.

Second blog log

Okay I don't know how to tell my Hippie sister how to get here. I have searched along time to find this spot again. I am just not blog saavie. I wanted to set up a profile of my family so I would know what i would call each one. Like Mom is Mom. Dad is Dad. Oldest brother will be Wild Man -WM. His wife, Crazy Woman- CW. Next brother will be the Miser Man-MM, his wife the LizardLady-LL. My life partner is Tiger. My younger sister will be the Matron and her husband Tex. Their son WoodWorker. My youngest sister the Hippie and her husband the Absent Minded Professor-AMP.

Starting a blog

So I am taking a lesson from my youngest sister the Hippie and have decided to try to blog for fun. Don't know if i will keep up with it. I read her blog and was struck by several of her entries and felt a deep kinship for her. Guess that is good as we are sisters after all. That isn't to say I agree with everything she says, but I understand where she is coming from.
For example, fear. What does one fear in life. She fears being alone. I fear being alone. But she has children. I don;t. If my life partner dies before me, I will be totally alone. Who will care what will happen to me? I'm just a reject nun. A lesbian who tried not to be for years and years until this wonderful woman walked into my life. I know folks don't understand my Tiger, but the Tiger is good for me and to me. Tiger understands rejection like noone else does. She also understands my fears, for the most part. She knows what I gave up for her. She also knows how afraid I was that my family would reject me if they found out about us. She is so perfect is so many ways.
I know alot about fear. I have lived in fear in so many ways it isn't funny. I try to be a good person, but I can't help being what I am. I have been this way all of my life. I have had crushes on school teachers (all females) and Lucelle Ball and Carol Burnett and other female actressess, never felt a thing for the men. I dated a guy in high school but never felt a thing for him except friendship. He wanted to marry me, but all I felt was how gross it was when he kissed me. I got to college, met a woman and fell in love...long story on that. But I found out why I was so different. I found out what I was. I tried not to be for years, but no matter what it chased me all of my life. I don't believe God will condemn me for what I am. He made me what I am. I have suffered for years over this. But in Death Valley I found peace about it. I heard the voice of God telling me he made me the way I am and that I was to care and protect the Tiger. So, here I am. I am the protectress of the Tiger. and the Tiger protects me. We are a great team. Its been over ten years and I love her so much. Some don't understaned her. That's their problem. I understand her. I love her. I am lucky to have the Tiger in my life. My life is better for the Tiger.