It is nearly Christmas and I am not in the mood. I am still back at Halloween. Boy time sure is chugging right along whether I like it or not. I have a few Christmas presents bought but not most. I'd better get my but moving. Tiger and I are debating whether or not to put up the Christmas tree or not. We haven't put up the tree since Dad died...just didn't feel right. Now we worry how Blackie and Simon will handle the idea of a tree in the house. It could be a real disaster. Midnight was always intranced by the tree and would try to climb it, but he was relatively easy to control; you could tell him no and he'd stop. Blackie you tell him no and he looks at you and debates whether or not he wants to obey or not...usually deciding not.

Well you find out who your real friends are when things get a little difficult. Now with our contract up in the air everyone is acting like idiots. It has gotten cutthroat. Everyone is trying to preserve her own job at the expense of the other instead of trying to stick together. Except for me. I say stick together and things will work out. I tell you, I just get so frustrated. What ever happened to loyalty? Am I the only one who believes in loyalty in friendships? They stab you in the back with serious consequences to me and then wonder why I am upset? Geez, the gall. My AA sponsor was appalled and just told me that my friend is sick and that I just need to keep my distance...that this person is no friend. Well, I figured that out all by myself. After 12 years of friendship, everything down the drain. All I have to do now is tip-toe around at work all day and try to not offend my ex-friend. I am keeping my mouth shut, all it does is get me in trouble. People take me wrong. So I figure if I keep silent (which I am a master at after 7 years in the monastery) then I can't offend. Right? Wrong. Now she's pissed because I am doing the silent treatment. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Go figure.

So now I figure I better start doing things to start looking for a new job because I think my days are numbered at the one I'm at. I have asked a few of the doctors to write letters of recommendation for me and they all said they'd be happy to. I don't think I can count on a good reference from my supervisor or my ex-friend. My supervisor never liked me and has always done all he could to nail my tail to the wall every chance he could. And my ex-friend is mad at me because I'm not talking to her after she had gotten me written up at work....like why would I trust her now? There is no way I would risk that.

I am just scared about going out and looking for another job because I only have coding experience. I have never done the insurance aspect and that will work against me. I'd love to be a traveling coder, but that requires experience in the business aspect of coding which I don't have. So, instead of going out as an experienced coder of over 12 years, I would be seen as a bit of a beginner because of no experience in billing. Not only that, there isn't any place that will pay me as well as I am being paid now. I would be having a serious paycut. I don't know how Tiger and I will survive another serious paycut. Oh well, God surely knows what He is doing.

Hopefully the contract won't die out and I won't get fired....but I am very close to getting fired after that fiasco a couple years ago. The company is not a very forgiving company. And this last write up has not helped at all. What was my ex-friend thinking? If she was any kind of friend she would not have done that. In case you are wondering what I got wrote up for, it was for too many personal phone calls. The day after my birthday. Some kind of friend.

Carving a portrait of a dead dog for a co-worker. Never thought I would be asked to do that. So here I am memorializing a prize-winning dog. First carved then burning in the spots the dog had. Interesting to do this, makes me wonder why I took up carving and burning in the first place. How did I suddenly start doing this. I now own hundreds of dollars of equipment for carving and burning and don't even know h0w it started. I like doing it though.

When I am carving I get caught up in it and forget about drinking, which is a good thing. The bad thing is sometimes I forget to go to meetings. I look up at the clock and it is too late to go. My sponsor is okay with it as long as it is occassional and not a daily thing. I admit I miss the taste of scotch an aweful lot. But I guess I don't miss the complications it was causing. Tiger was suffering because of it. She put up with alot. I sure was lucky when Tiger came into my life. I can't think of too many people that would have stuck by my side through my drinking the way Tiger did.

I am chairing the wednesday night meetings for this month. I have been a bit nervous about it, but I guess I have been doing good enough. I have gotten nice comments after the meetings. The people are very kind. Tonight the subject was hope and the second step. Some folks seemed at a loss as to how to process the concept but it turned out okay. Next week is step three and I think I will just stick to just step 3 proper readings. I can't think of anything original for the subject.

I get frustrated at the meetings because I never can think of anything pithy to say. I just am a boring speaker. All I have to talk about is how I feel that God rejected me when I got kicked out of the monastery and it feels like it was yesterday and not nearly 20 years ago. I can't explain it. I dream of the place and live it every night. Every morning I wake up and have to realize I'm not there all over again. I go through the pain every morning. I drank to keep the dreams away. When I drank I didn't dream and then I wouldn't have the pain of the morning. Now it is there whether I like it or not. God, you'd think after 20 years it would be over. I was only a nun for 7 short years...surely it shouldn't be such a big deal. But it is even now. It looms over every aspect of my life. No one knows, except perhaps Tiger, how much it still hurts. At least the alcohol killed the pain. No that isn't true because I cried when I drank about it. The alcohol caused me to blank out and I simply didn't remember the next morning.

I get frustrated because people think i should just let it go and forget about it. During the day I do forget about it. It is the night that it all comes back, in my dreams every night I dream about them. I relive every night the rejection. I wish I could hypnotize myself to change my dreams but I can't. Nor can I return to drink to drown out the dreams, it was killing me. It was destroying the relationship I treasure with Tiger. Now I am just repeating myself. Enough said on the subject. Tonight was hard because I talked about it and I could tell that no one understood. How could they understand? I don't think anyone can.

Got to feeling a little blue thinking about Dad today. I was talking to the gals at work about my carving and thought that Dad would have enjoyed my interest in it. It could have been something we could have shared because Dad had tried his own hand at carving during his life. Thinking about it made me feel a little blue.

The gals at work tried to convince me that maybe it was Dad who was pushing my interest in woodburning and carving. Idon't know, perhaps,it is a sweet thought anyway.

Well it is happening again. My cats are trying to recruit a kitten to the household. I had the front door open and I saw that Blackie and Gentry were in the door acting all too interested in something so I went to go check to see what was going on. Right outside the door was a very cute little grey kitten mewing at my cats. My cats didn't even have their tails all bushed out in territorial anger or nothing. I could just hear them telling the kitty, "Hey, this is a great place to live! These ladies are real suckers for us. We get the best of every thing. If you need a home, this is the place to be. Just sit out here and look adorable and they will eventually give in." Well, I told Blackie and Gentry I was onto their little cat tricks and that I would not take in a little adorable kittie as our lease and my sanity prevented such a thing. My cats looked up at me with those big innocent eyes, "what? We aren't doing anything!" Yeah, right.

A horrible thing happened today. CC my friend and neighbor was coming up the ramp in her wheelchair and her wheelchair went over backward. She hit the back of her head, and scared herself to death. Well, then she called for me. Thank God I had the front door open so I could hear her call for me. Anyway, I went outside and I had to figure out how to pick her up off the ground without hurting my back. I did get her up without too much pain. She was amazed at how 'easy' it seemed for me. God is good, he put a calm head on my shoulders.

So I have been carving a giraffe for my next door neighbor CC. It has been a major project. I've been rather excited about the project because I have been trying to step out of my safety zone and go much deeper into the wood to bring out the animal. I have done this, at the expense of the flesh of my hands. It isn't perfect, but it sure is pretty exciting. I mean it looks just like a giraffe in 2-D relief with mountains in the background and clouds in the sky. The lake is lousey, but that is okay for a first attempt. I hope CC likes it for her birthday present.

Then the question arises, should I go ahead and get her a 'real' present, a gift certificate somewhere since this is a homemade gift? I don't know. I mean, this carving took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Well, maybe not tears, but it did take blood and sweat. But it is so amatuerish she might just throw it in the trash for all I know. But if she did that, I'd rather have it back. Would it be rude to tell her that? Would it hurt my feelings? Yeah, it would, because I am real proud of the thing. Silly me. I wish everyone in the family could see it. Well there is a birthday party before CC's birthday, maybe I will take it and show it off. Maybe I will learn how to carve half way decently. There is a class at Woodcrafters I ought to take. It is only $65 or 75 for it. Maybe I will.

I think my next project will be another animal, maybe a horse....no a dragon for me. Yes. I think I will carve a dragon just for me. Now I need to hunt for a good template picture to use. I think I will finish this blog and go google dragons for a while. But first I'd better eat. I'm hungry as a dragon.

Rain rain go away come again some other day. Actually, I love the rain as I have stated before, I just wish it wouldn't do it on the way to work, I don't much care starting my day drenched. I loved the lightning storm this morning though, it was quite striking, ha ha, pun intended.
I'm thinking about going for a long drive some one of these weekends and surprise Tiger with it. Kind of like show up with the Honda ready to go. Maybe head for Colorado again, see how far we can go in one night. I think there is a lake or two we could make it to. It would still be on the desert plains side, not the woody mountain side, but it would be a change. Either that or head to Arkansas and the Oachita National Park. I don't know, I just feel the need to travel. There is nothing I love more than being on the road and seeing the beauty of the earth pass me by. I love stopping in old Mom and Pop diners and getting to chat. I love camping and maybe chatting it up with other campers. Seeing the sky from a different perspective. I really feel a road trip coming on.

I love to travel. That is one thing that I miss with my job, I don't get to travel any more. Well, I better be careful with my complaints. I may get more than I wish for...with the threat of centralization over our heads and all. But I did like going to the different bases and bailing out the troubled spots. Turned out I was pretty good at soothing angry doctors. I liked getting to meet new folks and seeing different AFB's. Oh well, that is a thing of the past.

Talking of the past, my neices came this past weekend and visited the kitty cats. They seemed to enjoy themselves. I was quite pleased at how well the cats seemed to behave. Even Blackie seemed to not mind the children. Well, now I must go and get some work done.

I have to go help Mom change her bag today. That is always a little strange experience. I mean, Mom was always invincible, never needed help. Now she needs help and is vulnerable. It is kind of scarey for me. Makes her too human. I never saw an inch of my Mom's skin, now I see too much of it. I'm not complaining, its just that it is wierd to have Mom in such a vulnerable position.
I guess it makes me think that one of these days Mom is going to up and die on me and I dread the day. Mom is my pal and my rock. The world won't be right without her here. It's bad enough with Dad gone, though I've sort of gotten used to it now. But I can't imagine gettting used to the idea of Mom as being dead and gone. She's always been there when I've needed her from the silly things of life to the profound.
I know it is ridiculous to sit here and dread Mom's passing, but that is what bag changing day is for me. A reminder that one of these days she won't be with us any longer. Well, I'd best be getting in the car and head out now.

Subject of the day: boredom
I am very rarely ever bored. Life is too interesting to be bored. There is usually something going on, at least in my head, that keeps me entertained, but today I am bored. It is FaceBook's fault. I want to converse with Hippie on FB but she isn't on there and so I am frustrated and bored because I can't get my way.
I should be working on my carved boxes but I can't drum up enough interest to finish them up. I need to finish sanding them, but that requires me to sit outside in that humid heat, and I am just not up to that today. I do have a tiger I could be woodburning but it has its whole new challenges that I am not in the mood for so, I am bored. Mom used to say that boredom was just another way of saying "I don't want to do....whatever." Well, she was right. I just don't want to. So how do I get out of my funk? I don't know. I guess get over the fact that Hippie actually has a job that she has to work and can't play on FB all day. Get off my fat arse, grab the sandpaper and make myself go outside and sweat. Or at least grab that tiger by the tail and start a new woodburning challenge. I really need to finish those boxes. Oh well, we'll see my mouse and me.

So today Chuck came in to talk to us about the Air Force possibly centralizing my job. Very scary thought. If they do that, then I would have to concider moving to keep my job. Would I move? Yes, I think I would. I have never worked with insurance companies and I love working for the Air Force. Besides, I think I hear once that it would be centralized in Colorado Springs, which would be a totally cool place to live, I think. Not too far from home for visits. But all this is a bunch of speculation. I am terrified at the thought of losing my job. There isn't a place here in OK that would pay me nearly as much as I am making now. I don't know how I would survive a pay cut. Dear God please don't let this job go centralized and leave me jobless...I don't know if I could handle that right now. I need to buy a car so I can give Mom's car back to her, its not fair that I have it for so long. But I don't know how else I'd make it to the meetings. Tiger and I just can't afford to buy a car unless it is a real junker. God grant me the serenity.....this is so scary. I need this job just the way things are. But push comes to shove, I will aggresively pursue staying with the Air Force job even if it means moving. The family will probably be pissed off at me, but I like what I do and it is perfect for me. I worry about Mom, of course, she would be the one most disappointed, but I am sure she would understand. I would miss the family, but OK isn't far from all of the locations I think have been mentioned....ST. Louis, San Antionio, Colorado Springs. Mom would always be welcome to visit even. Oh well, no point counting chickens before they are even hatched. Enough worry for the day and all that. What happens will happen. God's will be done, God help me.

It has been raining alot the past couple of days. I love the rain. I love the smell especially. In the early morning...before 6:00 in the morning I sit waiting for my ride to come outside and I listen to the falling rain and empty my mind and just sit in the Presence of God. There is something really peaceful sitting there like that in the dark just before sunrise. I need that special quiet time each morning...it cleanses my soul like nothing else can. God knows I need that cleansing time.

Today is yet another day of nothing too special happening. I guess I will work on learning on how to carve wood. This has been a bit of a challenge, but a fun one. I hope my family members don't mind that their gifts are so obviously a beginners attempts. Neena from work brought me some wood from her father for me to practice on so I don't have to worry about punching through the depth of the wood like I have too on the projects for the family. I might try an alligator for Wild Man my brother. I don't excell at anything, I just barely do passible work but it keeps me sober and busy. Maybe someday I will find something I excell at. Oh well, God must like average since He made so many of us.

I finally broke down and got cellphones again for Tiger and I. Never had much luck with those contraptions, but we have had need of them lately so here we go again. I have not told Tiger that I got one for myself yet, she only knows about the one I got for her. But the more I thought about it I realized that one was not going to be enough. There are plenty of times we are apart that she has needed to contact me and could not. She may get upset but she will get over it.

Hippy and I have been having alot of fun with all this newfangled technology stuff. Facebook and bloging. We have communicated alot more this way than we have in a long time. Don't know if it is a good thing or not, technology, but it is nice to banter with her this way. Enough of babbling on this blog now. Just felt like a short chat. Time to check facebook.

Death Valley Revisited

I went to Death Valley California a few years ago and was moved by the silence and majesty of the place. Death Valley for me was a place of self revelations as well as self introspection. I did a lot of thinking while I was there that has gone on for many years. I wish I could go back and visit agian. Its very life and barrenness screams for one to pay attention not only to it but to oneself. It is like a microcosm of the soul. There is the Devils' golf course, kind of like that place in the heart where the devil likes to play. The Artist's Palate where the angels make hay with grace. I mean, Death Valley really Made me look at my soul and see alot of things.

I think every person should take a walk out into Death Valley all alone without another person near them. They should spend a day in perfect silence walking in Mosaic canyon. Finding life where it seems imposssible for life to be. There God reaches out and starts talking to the soul in a real way that is not possible anywhere else on the earth. I mean for real. The desert is a very special place. It is stripped of distractions. All that is left is the barest of bare essentials. So bare that the place seems to be down right dangerous. But there one can find answers that are unanswerable anywhere else.

Why did Death Valley impress me so much.... why is God where the Devil's name is invoced (sp) so frequently? I recall a reading from Scripture where Jesus is driving the devil from a man and he looks sadly at the man. But he isn't looking at the man, he is looking at the devil within. He is looking sadly at the devil within like a parent at a child who is misled. Jesus is there, the devil is there, the valley of death is there. Jesus won't let the man's soul be lost and He is sad to see the devil is already lost. But the valley of death isn't one of hopelessness because Jesus is there....feeling for the man and for his lost angel. One won't be lost and the other chose to be lost. Death Valley is the place for choices, choose life or death. find life or death. Both are there. Jesus is there waiting for our choices...in the silence, in the dangers, in the stark beauty. He is there waiting.

A Day in the Life of

Went to bed at 4:oo am this morning after a forensic file marathon. Slept for awhile and got up for a rip roaring good time...playing with the cats. The picture is of Gentry. He was hamming it up for the camera. I was very proud of him.

Did not do anything profound, profundity went away with another life of mine. Wish I could say I've something important but I don't. I guess that is one thing that bums me out on days like this. I just get frustrated not having a particular purpose to my life. I hate it when people ask me what's up or what's new or what's going on. The answer is always 'nothing.' Oh I guess I could go volunteer somewhere, but it pales so drastically with what I want. Oh well, I do find myself interested in volunteering with the AA stuff. I have that to look forward to anyway.

Then there is the fact that this evening we spend with Mom and watch movies and then go to Mass the next morning. It is a pleasure to go over to Mom's, she is such a fiesty person. Then there is Tiger who likes to get Mom riled up. I just hope Tiger doesn't bug Mom too much tonight...I'm really not in the mood. The whole point of spending the night with mOm is that we get time to enjoy her while she is still alive. Come the time she passes on, I will have no reason for regrets. I look at my co-worker, DitzyLady, and see the regrets she has with her mother. She frequently wishes she had done things differently. I hope I won't have those kinds of regrets. I mean I know I have made mistakes in my life that I regret; but as for being there for her last years (even if it is for 20 years) I won't have made that mistake. I will have spent good times with Mom doing simple things that we enjoy, making her happy. that has to count for something in the great cosmic world. And maybe that is my purpose in life. Perhaps my job is to "be there" for family members and friends...which is everyone's purpose in life. Which makes me not so special which leads me to another topic which I should save for another day.

Second blog log

Okay I don't know how to tell my Hippie sister how to get here. I have searched along time to find this spot again. I am just not blog saavie. I wanted to set up a profile of my family so I would know what i would call each one. Like Mom is Mom. Dad is Dad. Oldest brother will be Wild Man -WM. His wife, Crazy Woman- CW. Next brother will be the Miser Man-MM, his wife the LizardLady-LL. My life partner is Tiger. My younger sister will be the Matron and her husband Tex. Their son WoodWorker. My youngest sister the Hippie and her husband the Absent Minded Professor-AMP.

Starting a blog

So I am taking a lesson from my youngest sister the Hippie and have decided to try to blog for fun. Don't know if i will keep up with it. I read her blog and was struck by several of her entries and felt a deep kinship for her. Guess that is good as we are sisters after all. That isn't to say I agree with everything she says, but I understand where she is coming from.
For example, fear. What does one fear in life. She fears being alone. I fear being alone. But she has children. I don;t. If my life partner dies before me, I will be totally alone. Who will care what will happen to me? I'm just a reject nun. A lesbian who tried not to be for years and years until this wonderful woman walked into my life. I know folks don't understand my Tiger, but the Tiger is good for me and to me. Tiger understands rejection like noone else does. She also understands my fears, for the most part. She knows what I gave up for her. She also knows how afraid I was that my family would reject me if they found out about us. She is so perfect is so many ways.
I know alot about fear. I have lived in fear in so many ways it isn't funny. I try to be a good person, but I can't help being what I am. I have been this way all of my life. I have had crushes on school teachers (all females) and Lucelle Ball and Carol Burnett and other female actressess, never felt a thing for the men. I dated a guy in high school but never felt a thing for him except friendship. He wanted to marry me, but all I felt was how gross it was when he kissed me. I got to college, met a woman and fell in love...long story on that. But I found out why I was so different. I found out what I was. I tried not to be for years, but no matter what it chased me all of my life. I don't believe God will condemn me for what I am. He made me what I am. I have suffered for years over this. But in Death Valley I found peace about it. I heard the voice of God telling me he made me the way I am and that I was to care and protect the Tiger. So, here I am. I am the protectress of the Tiger. and the Tiger protects me. We are a great team. Its been over ten years and I love her so much. Some don't understaned her. That's their problem. I understand her. I love her. I am lucky to have the Tiger in my life. My life is better for the Tiger.